I’ve Trained My High Horse to Kick You in the Face

Written by Calum Conner-Jones


Disclaimer: If you have any problems with the opinions I present in this post then please express your outrage on your phone that has been put together by child labourers. I’m sure someone out there will care, but it won’t be me.

“Four straights and a bisexual walk into a bar to discuss the term ‘faggot’” may sound like the build up to a joke. However, it’s not too dissimilar to the situation I found myself in on our podcast, The Music Vox. Instead of a bar though it was a recording studio and the topic discussed was the recent controversy to do with the 80s classic, Fairytale of New York.  Now before I discuss my issue I had during that part I want to say I have nothing but love for my fellow podcasters, they provided me a platform that I can build and have the freedom to talk shit on. But I have an opinion to express and it shall be expressed.

I’m not going to explain what the controversy was because a good explanation was provided here. If you want my opinion on it then know that I will fight you naked on a mountain, armed with nothing more than a cock and a spear if you want to ban the song and/or censor it. Take your head out of your high horse’s arse and pay attention to real injustices in the world. Anyways, this piece isn’t about the song itself. I’m here to give my undoubtedly unwanted opinion on the wider theme of offence and people thinking they’re helping by being outraged.

It has to be said that it is reassuring that I’m not sharing microphones with bigots and dickheads. They campaigned hard in defence of the LGBTQ+ community. It’s pleasant to see. But (and to unashamedly rephrase the 90s party classic it’s a big but and I cannot lie) there was one major problem for me. Four straights in a room discussing LGBTQ+ issues and not one thought “hold on… why don’t we ask the ONE member of the community member in the room what he thinks?” This unfortunately made it seem like they were getting offended FOR me. This, ironically, offends me more than hearing the word faggot.

My main point isn’t about my friends. No, the anecdote just happens to provide a useful microcosm for my problems with society and the “outrage, cancel culture” we are in now.

I was curious as to how they would behave in a real life situation. I thought to myself, “If someone were to come into the room and call me faggot, how would they react? Would they: A) Tell them to shut the fuck up? B) Smack the shit out of them? Or C) Tell me to leave this hostile environment?”     I really hope it’s none of the above. If I’m in that situation then I want to deal with it, not you. Not only does it make my situation harder but I can fight my own fights and I don’t want to see you getting hurt in a situation that I can handle.

I know for a fact that if someone resorts to faggot as an insult, I am already way smarter than them. They’re clearly still stuck in year 9. The term faggot isn’t funny. Not because it’s offensive, but because it isn’t even creative. The lack of originality is the most offensive part. At a risk of turning this into an episode of Blue Peter, Here’s some I made earlier:

  1. “I bet your arse takes more wood than a pencil sharpener. You fucking cock fiend”
  2. “Arse so deep and wide a Thai boys football team could get lost in there”
  3. And my personal favourite from the mind of Frankie Boyle. “Fanny cannibal”

See? It’s not hard. Also, if you are mad that I am in any way a “cock fiend” just know that whilst you’re stuck fingering your sister on a DFS sofa, I’m out with the Alex Turners AND the Halle Berrys of the world. Being racist, homophobic or sexist isn’t you being tough either, nor is it a political affiliation. Believing “black people are criminals” or “all women belong in the kitchen” or even that “the water is turning the frogs gay” isn’t part of the political debate. It’s just you being a complete dickhead.

Obviously, I can only speak for myself here and I can only ever speak for myself. I personally don’t care about the term faggot but I know it affects others differently. I have the right to react how I want to and so do they. The only time I want you directly involved is if I am not there to defend myself.

What I’m trying to say is, don’t stand UP for me, and instead stand WITH me. Let me deal with it how I want to and stop getting all offended. Have faith that I can handle it. I’m bi and I’m beautiful, I know what I’m doing.

This was more of a rant than it was a cohesive, well-structured argument. Just had a lot to say that I unfortunately couldn’t get out on the podcast. There’s a link to Stonewall at the end of this, they’re an LGBTQ+ charity that help those who maybe can’t stand up for themselves. So make like the Stone Roses and Spread Love- Cal x.



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